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GTFU Podcast
Introduction to the GTFU Mentality. GTFU is a mentality to overcome some of life's challenges. Today's topic is about, Starting over.
GTFU Podcast
GTFU Podcast Episode 2 Anger
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Today's topic is Anger. I give an honest account of my experience with anger and how I continue to manage it.
Hello, and welcome back to the GTFU podcast. I'd like to start off by thanking those who reached out to me with words of encouragement. I really appreciate that. Thank you so much. I hope to reach as many people as I can to help inspire and empower. You know, that's something we lack in this world, it seems, that so many bad things are happening. So let's encourage and empower each other because you, as a GTFU member, have that ability as well. Somebody's looking at you for inspiration, somebody is looking up to you as well. So as you walk around in your daily life just doing your thing, walk with positivity and walk with purpose. Because you have purpose.
SPEAKER_00So let me ask you is anger addicting? Yeah, it sure can be addicting.
SPEAKER_01It was for me anyway. See, anger was easy for me. Anger was readily available to me because that's what I chose. It was easier to deal with anger than to deal with the situation that made me angry. And it took a toll on me, pushed a lot of people away. It strained relationships. And what happens when you strain relationships? The relationships usually are over. And that's what hurt me. I hurt myself by being angry instead of being honest. But again, this is my take. This is my experience. I was a so to deal with anger, I had to understand it. What is anger? Referring my notes here. Anger defined as a noun is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. It is also a verb. Anger can be used to provoke. So let's say, as a noun, here's an example. Um anger can be defined as a descriptive person or persons. So let's say you go to you go to the Starbucks and you get annoyed because they got your order wrong. I have a choice. You get angry? What do you do? Honestly, don't mess with my coffee. That's why I just make it at home. If I go to Starbucks, it's gonna be something simple. That's one way of dealing with anger, right? But seriously, we have that choice at that point. So as a verb to provoke, um anger can be defined as someone provoking someone else to gain a reaction of annoyance or hostility. So the key word here is feeling. So is anger a feeling? It's an emotion. It's natural, just like happiness or sadness. But just like those emotions and feelings, we have the ability to keep them in check. I don't like to say the word control because control is too it's too aggressive for me. What I want to do is I want to accept whatever happens and deal with it as it comes. Now, the reason I don't like to say control is because I want to understand it. I want to understand what's happening so that I can deal with it on the same level with understanding, not to control, not with any other emotion. Why am I getting angry? Okay, I'm gonna keep myself accountable and I'm gonna find out why. And for me, this been there's steps to it, but I also had to be open to the good and the bad of it.
SPEAKER_00So understanding anger for me was key in overcoming so much, and what I mean is guilt. The anger of guilt lingers, but then you gotta forgive yourself. You gotta forgive yourself for the things you said, the people you hurt, and the people that hurt you.
SPEAKER_01So it's been uh it's been a crazy journey with the anger and uh anger management, you can call it. But uh I had to really look into myself and figure out why. And um without making excuses, you know, it's been a it's been a tough life. So with that said, um I uh really had to dig deep. I I'll tell you most recently, as a correctional officer, I saw the many faces of anger. Uh a lot of the uh inmates. Well, to be clear, I was a uh correctional officer in a county jail. So anger, I saw many faces of it. And um a lot of these guys were in there because they got angry and they hurt somebody.
SPEAKER_00Um, I've also seen people get angry and hurt themselves.
SPEAKER_01One of the things that made me angry was um there was an inmate one time that uh actually spit in my face. And it's funny to when I say that to people, everyone's first reaction is, what? Man, I would have done this, I would have done this, I would have done that. No, because if you act on that anger, you're gonna get arrested. You're gonna lose your job. Not only that, you leave yourself open to getting sued by the inmate. So at some point, you have to figure out what's happening. With that inmate in particular, he had some mental issues and uh he was angry. Uh, but I didn't go down that path. So I've seen the many faces of anger, you know. They even in custody, they would get angry with each other, feel disrespected, and there they go. First thing was to knuckle up. I uh one of the things that I had a choice about getting angry or not was when they I was occasionally threatened. You know, like somebody pounding on their door or on their window, man. When I get out, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna do this. No, you're not, you're not gonna do. I understand the game of intimidation. So I understand where they're coming from. Again, this goes back to understanding anger and how it affects me. How do I react to it? So it never scared me, um, but I did have a high level of uh awareness. You know, after a 12-hour shift, you're watching, you know, from watching corners and having 72 to 112 uh in custodies around you, you have to be a certain awareness level. And uh that actually goes into another category of anger because operating at that level, you're now you're like you're like your eyes are this big, walking into a restaurant, looking around, doing all your you know, your eyes are always scanning, always scanning, and you can't relax. So it's real easy to get irritated, which leads to anger, and I fell into that trap. But I tell you all of this because I understood it. These are the things I had to figure out and understand it. I was tired of hurting those who loved me, those who were close to me, because ultimately I got hurt.
SPEAKER_00I can't think of one time that I got angry and felt okay about it. Nope, can't think of one.
SPEAKER_01So another part of understanding anger for me is um old, old anger.
SPEAKER_00What about something that's happened to you in the past? I was tasked one time, a few months ago, to write down ten memories, going all the way back to the first thing I could remember.
SPEAKER_01I stopped at four. Number four, I had to stop at number four. I got triggered. Um at this point, I want to tell you a little discretion is advised, but what had happened was the reason I stopped, I was in the third grade.
SPEAKER_00What are you, eight or nine years old?
SPEAKER_01Uh got to school, and our teacher informed us that a classmate was killed, another eight or nine-year-old kid. And I remember feeling hurt and confused.
SPEAKER_00All I knew at that age was I wasn't going to be able to play with him anymore.
SPEAKER_01Um, I remember drawing a picture of a grave with mounds of dirt around it and a cross with his name on it.
SPEAKER_00The reason I bring that up is because was I angry?
SPEAKER_01I asked myself, when I thought about this at 56 years old, it it was still there. And it saddened me. Of course, it's a sad story, but it affected me and it took me back to that eight, nine-year-old feeling of confusion.
SPEAKER_00And then I got I found myself getting angry. And again, it's not easy. Old anger.
SPEAKER_01Here I am, 56-year-old. So what I did was I dealt with it. I mourned the kid. I mourned him. I still remember his name. I'll never forget his name. He was an awesome kid. So with that said, you gotta be honest with yourself. You have to be honest. And that's, you know, and and reach out. Reach out. It's okay to reach out and get help with this uh with anger or whatever else is bothering you too, with that for that matter. But uh I realized that I had a tough childhood, I just didn't know it. So again, old anger, how does it affect you now? What are some of the things that we can go back and deal with?
SPEAKER_00Or do we even need to go back and deal with? So, this story about this kid, he was um again, he was an awesome kid, but I was triggered. And from what I understand about triggers is triggers are um traumas that you haven't dealt with you haven't sorted out.
SPEAKER_01So again, after decades of not thinking about that, kind of brought it back, and I have to say that it was it was um it was liberating, and it opened up a whole new part of my brain where I was able to look back at some of the other things and deal with them, and I'm still doing that to find out who I am today. So as I move on in my life now, I am at my most peaceful. I really am. Even at 56 years old, I feel like I'm starting to get to know myself. It's been a an eventful life. You know, I can sit here and say, poor little me, tragedy, tragedy, trauma, trauma. And again, I'm not downplaying anything that you're going through, but my the way I did it is I just had to dig deep and I just had to go because the ultimate goal is peace. I want peace. And um I want peace for you too. I really do. So with that said, I'd like to share, you know, on my notes here. Um I'd like to share maybe some tips that can help you, some things that help me. So one of the first things I had to do was understanding that I was getting angry, I was getting upset.
SPEAKER_00And the thing with me, I wasn't just angry, it would turn into a rage. There's a um, what is it, the Avengers movie?
SPEAKER_01And uh I know it's a movie based on a comic, but there was something that happened in the first one. There's the is it David Banner, the Hulk guy? He um at the end of the movie, New York's getting torn up, and they got all these aliens coming down, and all kinds of craziness is happening. Well, David Banner shows up on a motorcycle, and he pulls up, and Captain America tells him, Hey, this would be a good time to get angry. And um, David Banner stood up and he says, That's my secret. I'm always angry. He turns around and as he's walking, he turns into the Hulk. Somehow that kind of stuck with me because we always we all have some kind of Hulk in us. So I I when I thought of it that way, I thought to myself, okay, how to I make how do I make peace with that part of me? Because the thing is, is there's there's we go through life and we're gonna have these things. The old anger that I talked about, the new anger, you know.
SPEAKER_00You have to make peace with that part of yourself. So one of the first things I did was recognize. When I recognize that I'm getting upset, I stop. Because now anger is making the decisions for you. You're not there. You have to figure out that that's not you.
SPEAKER_01The anger is making the decisions for you. So get off the train tracks. You're you get on this, you're the locomotive, and you gotta slow down. You gotta slow down because it's hard to slow down. And uh again, I'm speaking from personal experience, I'm being totally open and vulnerable. I told you in the very beginning that I'm gonna be honest about my experience and how I overcome some of these things.
SPEAKER_00And anger was a big issue for me. Number two, what am I gaining by being angry?
SPEAKER_01I'm not gaining anything.
SPEAKER_00I've already lost to anger, I've already seen what it can do to me. Not only to me, but to those around me.
SPEAKER_01Not even it doesn't just affect anger doesn't just affect the family and friends, but what about your job? It's not always gonna be good. So you're gonna get angry at certain things. So one of the things, you know, what what am I getting? What am I getting by being upset? Road rage. Stuck in traffic, you get cut off. I can almost guarantee 100% the guy who cut me off does not care if I'm sitting in my driver's seat fuming and cussing and wishing him bad. But you know what? I now I'm gonna tell you. You know what I did a couple times? I actually didn't get upset. Well, I got upset, but I didn't get angry, and I ended up behind this person. And what I did, and I don't believe I'm saying this, but what I did was when they looked at me through the rearview mirror, I gave them this crazy look.
SPEAKER_00And then I did this. Scared the crap out of myway.
SPEAKER_01Um going to that level for me was not good, you know. And I find myself the last few months, they cut me off. Go ahead. I see them going in and out of traffic. Do your thing, man. Do your thing. Maybe they gotta go to the bathroom. I don't know. So with that said, let's see the next thing on my notes. Oh man. Road rage, yeah, it can be dangerous. There was a um, I'll tell you a story real quick. Here in Vegas, I don't know, a year and a half, two years ago. There was a uh an Uber driver, and you can look this up. Uh there was an Uber driver on on the boulevard road rage incident, had two passengers with him, got out of his vehicle, uh, walked up to the vehicle in front of him that upset him.
SPEAKER_00He had a gun in his hand. So the person in that car also had a gun. Yeah, the worst thing happened.
SPEAKER_01That driver defended themselves, shot him in the neck. The guy died, bled out right there on Las Vegas Boulevard. Now let me ask you why. Why did it have to go that far? His anger now affects his wife, his kids, his mother, his father. There's no reason for it. There's no reason for it. Don't get me wrong, I've thought about getting out of my car half a dozen times too. But I don't. I don't. And it was before that happened.
SPEAKER_00I don't want to do that. You know, there's people that love me, and that I love. That's how you combat anger.
SPEAKER_01You gotta find peace with yourself, and and that's hard because sometimes you don't know where to go. Again, I've talked to you about faith and uh going back to church. See, I'll tell you real quick, my mother raised us to know God ever since we were little. And you know, we went to Catholic Pentecostal Baptist. We always knew God, and I knew the difference between God and not following God, and I know the difference now. So going back to your faith, whatever it may be, is going to give you, it's gonna start your journey of peace, and that's what it did for me. I hope that's what it does for you. So finding that peace is the way to combat anger. Again, I think I said it in the last episode. Forgiveness, peace and forgiveness go together.
SPEAKER_00You gotta forgive yourself.
SPEAKER_01I had to forgive myself for the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. I could have been a better husband, I could have been a better father, a better friend, a better employee. I could have, of course. But I had to forgive myself for that. Because you can't go back, you can't change it. All you can do is forgive yourself. And apologize where it's needed. The thing about apologizing is don't do it again.
SPEAKER_00Because the next time is a choice. So forgiving yourself is gonna lead to peace. And help me find peace as well. So peace is going to combat the anger.
SPEAKER_01I've heard that anger is a weakness. And I wanna let you know that it's not a weakness, but it can be.
SPEAKER_00See, anger will blind you to the things that are important to you.
SPEAKER_01Anger will take away your peace. And what happens with that? You leave yourself open to those bad words I said in the first episode. Addiction, depression. And uh I you know if you're going down that path right now, I'd like to tell you that don't.
SPEAKER_00There's a phone number you can call. The suicide hotline, 988.
SPEAKER_01988. It's gonna ring, it's gonna pick up, you're gonna get a little bit of a uh music. You're gonna be put on hold for a few seconds. The reason they're doing that is because they're finding someone you can speak to within your area code. And uh someone will be on there. So please wait. If you're going to something, call 988. Take care of yourself. Somebody loves you. Okay. So with that said, I think um there was one more thing that really helped me, and that was exercise. And yeah, I told you before, exercise is not a bad word. And uh, some of you already know. Go for a walk, just go for a walk after dinner, or even when you get up, first thing in the morning, drink a glass of water and go for a walk. Um again, exercise, you know, right go ride a bike, go to the gym. Um again, pickleball, which I said I don't even know what that is. I think it's like tennis or something. But there's you invest in yourself, and the best way to invest in yourself is exercise.
SPEAKER_00So get up, get up and go. Get up and go.
SPEAKER_01I found that it wasn't the go that helped me, it was the get up. See, when you make that choice to get up, put clothes on, put your shoes on, and go towards the gym, or go towards the garage and get that bike that's all dusty in there. It's the get up that's gonna make the difference. And the more you get up, the easier it's gonna be. So exercise, invest in yourself, because every rep, every step is an investment in yourself. So I'm gonna conclude this podcast now, but I want to end on a positive note. I know I said some things that could have triggered you, and they sound depressing and stuff, but to this is just me. This is me, and I've gone through some some bad things to be at this point in my life. I have found peace. I really have.
SPEAKER_00I am blessed to be where I'm at.
SPEAKER_01And I've learned so much, even at 56 years old. It's been an amazing life. I don't regret anything, I don't I don't have any disdain for anyone. I've forgiven myself, I've forgiven those who have hurt me, but because mostly they've hurt me because I hurt them first. So I've taken myself accountable. So, well that said, my intention here is not to teach you anything, but if I can be an example to get you to think a different way, to help you, then so be it. I sit here in front of this camera, humbled. I've been humbled. Some of the things I was afraid of happening, was so afraid of happening, happened. I didn't have no choice, I didn't have no choice in those things happening, but I did have a choice in getting back up. And how many times did we start over? Every time. How many times did I get up? Every time I got knocked down, every time because I'm worth it. One of the most important things I did, and there's a lot of important things I did for myself, but one of the most important things I did was I looked in the mirror and I said, I forgive you, I forgive you. You're gonna be okay. Stay humble, help. And uh it's been amazing. If you want to hear more detail, check this out, guys. I have the GTFU uh a journey of faith. A lot more detail in there that I don't want to go on here because it gets pretty intense. But I want to be encouraging, I want you to be positive and and go, man. Go live this life that live this life as if you were blessed because you are blessed. Doesn't matter what's happened, how you react is what's gonna matter. So do your thing, go be encouraging to somewhere else and be amazing. Well, the shirt, you like that? You like that? You've been looking at it, huh? Here, check this out. This shirt, it's uh pink, and it was uh dedicated to my mother, well, inspired by my mother for um breast cancer awareness. She passed away in 2015 uh breast cancer, and she has just been an amazing, amazing influence on me and inspiration. Uh, but that's for another day. But I did have this shirt in her honor, and check out the back. I'm said that's not her GTFU since I was a baby. So again, be encouraged, be inspired, and uh encourage and inspire others because you don't even know it, but you really are already are. So take care guys, God bless, and uh we'll see you next time. Bye bye.